And start with a med update:
-Lexapro 20mg
-Seroquel 75mg, 25 mg-AM, 50mg-PM
-Mini-press 1mg
-Klonopin 1 mg, 3xs/day (usually prn=as needed)

*The last three of which have been really helping with flashbacks, body memories, night terrors, self-harm urges, and suicidal ideations.* ::Coughs:: Thank god for Seroquel. It’s the drug of choice for me. It’s the first time in 13 years I haven’t been actively suicidal and fighting it every moment. Therefore, I ❤ Seroquel. 😉

Today is an anniversary. I’ve been triggered all evening. I was oblivious to the anniversary despite the fact that I knew what the date was all day until I walked from Dunkin Donuts to the car. I have no idea what triggered me to remember, but that triggered the visual flashbacks to start and I spent like 40% of the evening crying, the rest of it trying to live my life–watch movies, scrapbook, talk to friends. I had really strong self-harm urges, but they went away quickly after talking to my friends about what was going on for me. Then I called my step-mom crying. And I told her, “it’s just a date. I’m trying to remember that it is JUST A DATE.” It’s not happening now, etc. I’ve cried in like 3 more little spurts. But my 13 year old part was really hurting and mourning before. So I let her cry. And I let myself cry. My innocence was robbed of me–AGAIN. Acceptance isn’t pretty, but pushing the feelings away and stuffing it clearly didn’t serve me well either. So that’s it for now. There’s lots more, but it’s late and I don’t want to open up anything that I can’t contain and put to rest until another day so I can sleep tonight.

Wishing you safety and peace.

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