I am in a lot of pain today. I tried to cut the pain away, but it refuses to leave. I keep trying to intermittently do some of the adult things I have to do.. laundry, tidying up, re-sterilizing the bathroom. And then I go back and wail like a small child being harmed and cut to disperse the pain. It has no effect.

I can’t understand the dichotomy between my happiness and the joy I take in from life and the intense pain I feel. It was my birthday week and it wasnothing but fabulous. I went to see a New Kids on the Block concert and got to let out my inner 13 year old. It was an amazing show and I had a wonderful time with someone I care very much about; and no–not just Joey McIntyre. 😉 My best friend’s birthday is the day before mine and we’ve been celebrating with our friends for days. It was all I could ever hope for. And still the pain is unbearable. Every time I’m alone the pain consumes me. Lately, even when I’m with friends the pain is still there.

I’ve been able to cover up the pain for nearly two decades now. I have always been able to smile through it so no one knew about it and my situation wouldn’t get any worse. The #1 rule in dysfunctional families is that you never utter a word about it. You keep quiet for fear of it getting so much worse if you tell a soul.

This is becoming exhausting. Every moment I’m alone the intensity of the pain is so bad I can’t even think clearly or accomplish anything. In trauma recovery they say it often gets worse before it gets better, but I’m not sure I can handle it getting worse and remain somewhat safe. I don’t advocate self-injury at all. I hadn’t done it in years. But, it’s the only coping mechanism I have when things are so bad that I want to die and can’t rely on, or even remember the numerous healthier coping mechanisms.

I’ve decided to go to an inpatient trauma hospital to continue my recovery work because I think that is the best course of action at this time. I’m not nearly as capable of keeping myself safe as I deal with the flashbacks, and for me, the more difficult process of grieving my innocence lost, the healthy relationships I will never have with my family because they are too ill, the love I wanted and will never get from them, and the emotional pain that becomes somatic (I can feel it in my body).

I will be going to the hospital some time in the next few days. I am terrified. I haven’t been since I was 12, and then, I wasn’t even really crazy. 😉 I don’t know what to expect, what to bring, etc. I constantly try to convince my therapist I don’t deserve to go and may be taking up a bed that someone else needs more so than I. It’s about 13% of me that is still rational and wants recovery that admitted how bad things were and that I needed to go in the first place. But, I suppose all it takes is a fraction of a percent of rationality; whatever keeps you safe.