Archive for September, 2010


9/22/10 Today I’m grateful for…

Today I am grateful for…

9/22/10

Having food in my fridge.

Having gone to class and reviewed afterwards three days in a row (it’s 8 weeks into the year, but better later than never ;}).

Having a conversation with my best friend yesterday. I wanted to know what was up in her life and such, but more than anything just wanted to hear her voice.

Courage.

The fact that although med school sucks at least 60% of the time, there are some really amazing things both in and outside of class that happen that encourage us to blossom into the future doctors we will be.

Med school is typically done in “blocks”, as opposed to semesters, trimesters, quarters, etc. So soon, I will have my FRESH START which will make up for the fact that the beginning of the year definitely didn’t start out that way. Yay for a new page and a fresh start. :)

Peace,

Joy

 

Advertisements

So, my life has been kinda sucky lately. I’ve been very PTSD symptomatic. Not among my favorite things. I’ve been more dissociative and had more intrusive thoughts than in months past… but I still have mad skills–one of which is to appreciate the many great things I have in life… from the tiniest, most precious detail, to tremendous blessings. I will be updating my gratitude journal on here as much as possible… I have had one for the better part of two years, however, I have let it fall by the way-side lately… maybe this is some way to help me through my daily life again, as well as the difficult times.

9/19/10 I am grateful for…

My Mom, she’s a lil whacky, but she’s very supportive and loving.

My best friend in the whole world, Hope. I haven’t spoken to her in almost a WHOLE week ;)… and I’m in total withdrawal lol.

I have a beautiful home to live in. It is safe, and pretty, and I am doing a damned good job of keeping it clean (compared to past precendent)

I have a safe ride… I got 4 new tires last week. Yeah, so it was expensive–but my safety and peace of mind are so worth it… plus I KNOW I got an amazing deal on top-0f-the line tires.

I know how to bargain (see above).

My roommates and I haven’t killed each other yet. Living with other people is a challenge… especially when you yourself have .. other people. 😉

I have not dissociated as much unwillingly as before. I miss switching bc it was the way we operated for so many years, but they’re all still there and haven’t left me… they help me get through and make me stronger because they are part of me.

I have not self-harmed in 8 months and 9 days. That’s long enough to have a baby. (I’m tiny and as it would be my first pregnancy, I would probably go early).

I am letting go of less healthy people. I miss them, but they need to go. This is a new page in my life. Every freaking day is a new page.

I miss DLS sooo badly. Those aren’t his real initials. DLS actually stands for dirty little secret… and while I miss my non-boyfriend and do appreciate the good times we had, as few of them as there were… I deserve so much more than that.

I am a medical student. Some crazy bitches think I’m smart enough and well enough to be a doctor. So, even though this is a bumpy ride in many ways, especially with how the school year started… I’m going to be a doctor. I’m going to help people. I am intelligent and I can share my intelligence with people in a way that is incredibly meaningful to me and helpful for others. Every time I look in my patients’ eyes, I can see that even this early in my career, I am making an impact–one person at a time.

Peace out,

Joy (and 15)

**Trigger Warning: Re: Sexual assault and s/h**

These last 6+ weeks have been kinda hellish. Med school in itself is fairly hellish. Being raped by a fellow student, pretty awful. The legal process which offered NO justice, at LEAST as violating as the act itself. But, I’m still here. (Which reminds me of one of my favorite poems, which I’ll post a little further down)

I can’t concentrate on much of anything, nevermind schoolwork. I haven’t managed to fail out yet, and I’m not sure how. I guess I’m catching enough to keep my head above the water. But the anger at what happened, my disappointment and anger in myself for my inability to magically get it together, use my skills (most of which I feel I’ve forgotten even though they were even more routine than breathing up until it happened)… is really affecting me. I have not self-harmed in 8 months and 9 days. Yes, so if anyone was still wondering, I am still self-harm free. I don’t know how. It has taken almost every ounce of my strength on some days to not self-abuse. It sadly comes so naturally. It’s an old pattern that I brought into adulthood, because I didn’t know how else to cope with pain other than to assault myself. Logically I know this is not the way one should be treated. However, I have been really triggered lately and feel quite often that I need to be “punished”. And I don’t, I just feel and think that I do. Unfortunately there is no fairy dust that I can sprinkle on myself to get me immediately back to where I was emotionally a few months ago. Luckily, there is similarly no fairy dust to get me back to where I was a few months before then and the many moons before then… because those were a scary time. Things are still frightening, but I have made a lot of progress. Considering what happened, I know that “on paper”, I’m doing very well. But my heart aches from the many feelings I have about the incident, nevermind how I feel it’s impacting my life. Things do get better every day, but they are still really rough. I can only logically acknowledge the progress I’ve made–I don’t feel it yet. I just want to feel it SO desperately.

My self-harm urges are more vibrant and intrusive than they’ve been in months. I think the stronger I fight not to, even though a huge part of me wants to feel that brief instant of relief… the stronger the thoughts and images are in my head.

I have made plenty of friends at school. And I have several really wonderful friends. But, I just don’t feel it. All I feel is loss. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life who I miss tremendously right now. The guy I was interested in is too sick (read: depressed and not making enough effort and strides to work with it and get better) for me to be in a relationship with, even a casual one, or friendship. His consistent inconsistency is entirely too painful. I do care for him, more than I ever wanted to, and you can’t help who you love and care about. I can, however, monitor my behavior and interaction with him though. We haven’t spoken in about two weeks. As deeply as it hurts, I think this was a very smart and healthy move on my part. I didn’t want to be further emotionally damaged by the people I allowed in my life, including him. It’s not his fault, I am an adult and I allow toxic people into my life. I’ve let quite a few people go in the past month and it hurts. I miss them, even the toxic parts of them. Perhaps MORE SO their toxic aspects. So while it hurts so badly that I can hardly breathe at the moment, in time, this will pass. Just like every flashback, the pain will stop and it hasn’t killed me yet.

I think some of my current pain comes from the strides I’ve made and the disappointment I feel as I am drowning in a riptide of depression. Depression at this point is totally understandable. But, I just really resent feeling so pained. I just want to live. I want to study and concentrate. I want to cook for myself and take care of my basic needs. As always I put on a really great “show” but I’m not ok. I have to be at peace with not being ok right now. And I’m not. I think it’s this resistance that is causing me so much anguish. I have so many feelings and thoughts to challenge, I feel really overwhelmed.

I don’t really know how pray tell to get my game face on and piece myself back together. I don’t think I’m supposed to. I think I’m supposed to take it day by day, and moment by moment… but that is not exactly my forte.

And the poem I promised:

Still Here by Langston Hughes

“I been scared and battered.
My hopes the wind done scattered.
Snow has friz me,
Sun has baked me,

Looks like between ’em they done
Tried to make me

Stop laughin’, stop lovin’, stop livin’–
But I don’t care!
I’m still here!”

Love, Joy