This is the healthiest I can ever recall being. And the saddest part is that it also coincides with me being the most pessimistic about relationships ever. I am finally in a place where I can maintain my daily adult responsibilities, participate in my life, including my life as a medical student. Anger is a wonderful motivator. I was stuck for so long, I felt like I had taken mile-long leaps backwards. Yet, I’ve made it through–with only a few metaphorical scratches. I’m finally at the anger part of my grieving process. I had a post-trauma bout of depression for approximately 4 months. I didn’t see how I could possibly continue with school if things continued progressing as they were.

And yet, as things always do, they change. Many things have changed. In the last year I’ve rid my life of some of the most toxic people I’ve ever met (next to be nixed are my parents ;}). I’ve made so many strides therapeutically, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and so many strides in the right direction to LIVING. My housing and financial situations, my emotional state, my desire to live are all remarkably stable and healthy. I never thought things would be “this good”. I never thought I’d be able to bounce back after what happened, and, it took time (as it should, if it didn’t–am I human?). I didn’t think my soul could handle one more assault. But, as hackneyed as the adage is, what doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

One more assault against my body, many subsequent ones against my psyche and soul. In all the loss I’ve experienced in the past few months, I’ve gained more of ME. Clearly I am very pained and bitter as a result of my interpersonal losses still. I would like to forget them, however, that will take time. And then it will take even more time for me to forgive myself for letting people in to have them tear me apart in the end. I tip-toe with my current relationships. I am who I am, and if you don’t like it — get out. Which plenty of people have done. But, I do await the moment when the people I have in my life now leave, or … perhaps worse, need to be discarded. They will invariably leave. And as I mentioned not only a few moments ago, I will be the only one left behind to love and care for me. I am the only person I can realistically expect to be there at the end of the day.

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