Tag Archive: DD-NOS


The Monster

I woke up more times than I can count this morning. I knew I was dissociating before I went to bed, I felt stuck in the background. I have no idea what it feels like for other people, or “everyone else” who dissociates, but I feel like I have varying degrees of “stuckness”. I still feel totally fuzzy, confused, and disorganized. I have a dissociation headache. I’m having difficulty concentrating because I feel like I’m floating off into the air, but it’s the tail end of it–I’ve only felt this way a million times before. The floating is so common that it feels safe.

I woke up to what seems like an exacerbation of how I went to sleep. I was stuck in the back, more so than usual. I was screaming and trying to regain control, and instead I felt like an evil monster was guiding my thoughts and actions. I was afraid if I moved we would hurt someone. Who ever was forward was so angry and had no concern about morality or consequences of the evil things streaming through our consciousness. It wasn’t anyone I recognized, and the rest of us were freaked out too, so it wasn’t just me reacting to the fact that I felt like I lost the one thing I have control over, which is  “me.” Or so I like to think. I really like to some days think I don’t have DID or DD-NOS. Everyone dissociates, I just float off more than the average person. But, other times I’m gone, or I am so far removed, I have no idea who is driving my life. Sometimes I have the system down to a science, We have it down like a science. Sometimes, I get showed who is boss–and I get punished for doubting that there are others. Sometimes I have my very own awful thoughts against myself or other people. But, this was unfamiliar. I guess the best way I can compare what I felt trapped behind would be my dad, if there were no laws or consequences for what you did, the kind of evil rampage he would go on, spewing evil and hatred everywhere. My most angry selves are never like that… nothing has ever felt like that. I woke up dissociated numerous times between 5am and 11am. It was so confusing. I’m still confused. When I’m in my head, or the people I know are immediately in front, anger is a great motivator. But anger was a monster. I don’t know how to describe who or what was out, but I felt like I was in the backseat of a soundproof, bulletproof taxi–and no one could hear or wanted to hear what I had to say. The monster was shear rage. And… what it all comes down to, is that the monster, is me.

I was there (*Possible trigger*)

I was there when my mother dragged me down the street by my hair because I forgot my report card in the classroom.

I was there when she slammed my four year old body into the hard, unforgiving furniture soon after I had back surgery.

I was there when she extinguished cigarettes on my thighs.

I was there when she didn’t give me the amoxicillin during the week to cure one of my many childhood illnesses.

I was there when she neglected to feed me because she was anorexic, self-consumed, and otherwise mentally ill (NOS!).

I was there when I got the chicken pox and she went to the beach instead of caring for me.

I was there when she alternated beatings when I was 12 between the tv remote and telephone.

I was there when my 2 year old half-brother weighed a pound more than I did at 7 years old.

I was there when I blocked my faced when she beat me with objects and she told my grandparents I was hitting her.

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I could go on forever and a day on things that I was physically and emotionally “there for” when my mother had custody of me from birth to 8, and then again at 12 that are much darker and more painful in all ways than above. While I do have feelings about what she did, I don’t have feelings about her as an abuser. I seem to either have magically forgiven her or have dissociated away enough of the feelings to have an actual relationship with her.

She denies everything. She has conjured up lies to cover up what she did, why she lost custody, etc. “My father had more money”, “He had a better lawyer”, “They told so many lies”. “I went to boarding school,” seems to be her favorite excuse as to why I was not around during middle and high school. She’s not sorry. She honestly doesn’t think she did anything wrong. Every therapist and psychiatrist has excused her behavior because she “was under a lot of stress”, “was physically unwell”, “was molested by her two female cousins”, “my father was abusive to her” (they divorced when I was two), I could go on and on. If they saw her enough times, and/or diagnosed her with borderline personality disorder and/or held her accountable for her actions she would discontinue seeing them.

And yet, here I am in Las Vegas sitting beside her visiting her for 2 weeks. I am 27 years old and I have essentially ignored my mother’s abuse. I am aware of the reason I even allow her in my life. I know that she loves me. She came back into my life about a decade ago; when I no longer needed parenting (for the most part), of course. It was easier for her then. Perhaps she was never meant to be a parent. Some people are not. She was 28 years old when she gave birth, and therefore, the same age as me when she became pregnant with me. She had no maternal instinct. The hospital wouldn’t even release my full-term 2lb. 11oz. self to her when I was born. I was in the NICU for the first month of my life despite the fact that I was 37 weeks. I was that weight because she apparently thought that maintaining her figure was more important than the life in her belly, and therefore gained only 11lbs. during her pregnancy.

For some reason when she was ready to return to my life as a parent, I welcomed her with timid, but relatively open arms. I suppose it is because I would welcome any nurturing, as I had tried to do my entire childhood (and part of my adulthood!) from any adult who would give it. My mom was thoughtful, honest, and became my confidante. She believes what my grandfather and father did to me; and wishes she could take away my pain. She blames herself for not protecting me, and that is the one thing she holds herself accountable for. I needed a mother for almost two decades, but I was willing to take what I could get. When it came to safe, nurturing, parental love: I was NOT willing to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Working with my insiders

Trying some external, yet internal work =)

Trying some external, yet internal work =)

One of my teenage parts, 15, has a name, and gets to choose a lot of things I/we wear, do. She feels no pain other than physical pain, which she unfortunately likes. 16 carries the burden of many emotional flashbacks w 3 and myself. [Note: When you see a number, consider it an aspect of self at that age] The other evening, Hope (see blogroll: Hopefortrauma) suggested to 15 that perhaps she can help with 16’s burden. While 15 was opposed to sharing the pain, she was not opposed to supporting 16 through it. Since then, I have been working on communication between me and these two currently very active parts. 16 hurts so bad and never gets any of the pleasures of being a teenager, or a person. Therefore, 15 and I cordially invited her to enjoy Medieval Times today and be a princess for a day. 15 agreed to take a backseat, and I told 16 I’ll be there as much or as little as she needs me. We (16 and I) also hoolahooped to promote awareness re: sustainable resources, carbon footprint, and consuming LOCAL resources. 16 was shy, so I did most of the hoolahooping which I haven’t done in two decades. But we both had fun. http://twitter.com/ProtectYourJoy (#350) for tidbits on that experience and also information on carbon footprint and sustainable resources.

There is other work that 15 is doing with 16 so that 16 is not in so much pain alone, when I’m not grounded enough to help feel/get through, etc. the pain. I must say, I do feel absolutely insane doing so much work with my “aspects of self”, and switching three times the other night in a relatively short period of time had me knocked out for almost two days. Does anyone else experience an incredible need for sleep that is correlated to switching? And, as you work more to communicate, has that had an effect on your energy level?

Wishing you a peaceful night and safety. Over and out.

Hi everybody (and their everybody)! My friend shared with me an interesting podcast/blog radio talk show that is currently going on: http://tobtr.com/s/749857 on Internal Communication with your system. You can also download it as a podcast on itunes etc. later so you can listen to it. Hope it helps!

Sum of Her Parts

I haven’t blogged in more than six months. However, it has been very therapeutic for me to journal, blog, and read what other people have to say in theirs. So in an effort to expand my self-care horizons, I intend on blogging again. Here goes it:

I am exhausted from switching 3 times within about an hour and a half last night, letting my 15 y/o part, Tara, and 16 talk to my best friend (I suppose I was letting? Maybe I didn’t have a whole lotta choice in the matter…), cleaning and other fun adult responsibilities, and DBT group. I also feel like I have been bitten by the tse tse fly and now have African Sleeping Sickness. I have been sleeping on and off all afternoon and night; and feel like I could sleep another 12 hours right now. I’m not depressed at the moment, I’m just exhausted. It has been a very enlightening, frightening, and interesting week to say the least. I don’t even know quite what to say other than the fact that I am frightened that I have parts I didn’t know about and there is a lot I don’t know about the parts I do know exist. I thought I had complete co-consciousness, but I don’t remember a lot of what Tara said last night. I’d like to blame that on exhaustion. 😉 I have a lot to catch up on what has gone on since I last blogged, the relationship struggles I’ve had, the internal struggles, the hospitalization, homelessness, having my own place again, and the therapeutic changes I’ve sought and what I’m currently using to cope. That is for another day because I can hardly see straight at the moment. But, it’s good to be back. =)